Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I can't not believe my luck! I have a huge temperature spike. Praise the Lord! Fertility Friend has moved my ovulation date forward one day, which shouldn't be a big problem.

It's 8DPO! WOOHOO!!! I went to K-Mart today and bought enough PT tests to satisfy myself for the time being. I'm too nervous and scared to even think about testing. I'm afraid of a BFN! I haven't been able to stop praying since my temp. jump. PTL!

Will I be able to go on IF I get a dreaded BFN? Will I be able to carry my head upon my shoulders, held high? Will I stumble and fall? Will I lose my Faith and struggle?

Oh, Heavenly Father, remember me. Remember your servent, Rachel. Surround me with your healing wings of glory. Wipe away my tears of pain. Give me your strength and love to help carry me on. Help me to believe in your miracles. Help me to know of your love and kindness. Reach your healing hands upon my womb and fill it with your glory. Help an egg implant into a womb that is healthy and warm. Make me fertile. Let me carry a child of your kingdom. Let me show this child of your love and forgiveness...know that THIS is the desire of my heart.
In your name I pray. Amen.

Conversations of The Mind

Wow! Has it really been a month since my last blog? I have neglected my blog! Just admitting to my lack of effort and time has me feeling resentful and sad. I am not regretting having started a personal blog, but it does take more effort than I sometimes realize.

So, I should really catch my readers up to speed on my recent progress…or lack thereof. Do I even have any readers? If I don’t then I’ll just note my treatments as a way of recording.

Treatments:

a. Clomid 50mg--Bust!

b. Clomid 100mg--Bust!

c. Clomid 150mg--Bust!

d. Femara 2.5mg--Bust!

e. Femara 5mg--O'd CD17--???

I'm in a current state of waiting. I am trying to direct my mind in any area or idea that will draw myself away from dwelling. I am no longer in the mood to dwell and wish upon stars. Striving to be focused on a higher power, a bigger being than myself, a God. Lord, I need the mountains to be moved in my womb. I need and depend on the Faith that will get me through the rain showers in my heart. Heal me Heavenly Father! You know the desires of my heart...the aching of my soul...my needs...

I am ridding myself of soda, cookies, candy, sugars, cakes, oh how the list goes on...I know that controlling my food intake isn't going to change alot, but I need just the focus on something that I can control. It's hard on a person to contantly be in a state of uncontrol.

I thought about this last night...getting rid of every posession I owned just to be able to hold my own baby for a minute. I can just imagine the joy I'd be feeling. My heart would swell with love and pride. Oh, how glorious it would be to know the outcome of the future. Lord, hold me, for I am weary and tried. I've walked down this path to the point of stumbling every third step. Infertility is a difficult and rocky road. When will it be over?