Monday, March 31, 2008

March--A Month of Sadness

It’s been a difficult five months for me to say the very least. The end of March marks my two year anniversary of actively trying to conceive. Every day is a constant struggle for me. I wake up every morning feeling lonely and scared, knowing that two years have come and gone. I still walk around with empty arms. Not knowing if I’ll ever have my own baby is the most difficult thing to weigh on my mind. Lance (my husband) often catches me with a blank look on my face; knowing what I’ve been dreaming about. Today, I have decided that it was long overdue to write on my blog. I am not inspired and I don’t feel any new hope…right now. Tears streak my cheeks, because I know the pain is real. Dealing with the pain is not an easy road, but I’m learning.

There are days when my pain doesn’t haunt me and I begin to feel “normal” again; unfortunately, the feelings of normalcy fade quickly. People like to talk about their babies, pregnancies, or toddlers. I sit quietly thinking about my turn. Will I ever have one? It hurts to know about other’s pregnancies or babies, because I’m longing for that very joy. I’m unable to be actively happy for other’s babies, pregnancies, toddlers, teenagers, whatever…It might sound so insensitive of me, but how would you like to walk two years in my footsteps? I’m about one hundred and ten percent positive you’d be heart broken too.

I’ve been on the edge of reason this Month. I found out that my first fertility treatment did nothing for my body. This month I’ve decided to try a drug usually only given to Cancer patients. My doctor and I are trying a drug that is not FDA approved for infertility, but I wasn’t quite ready to move on to injectables. I’m more than my share of nerves about this treatment option. It’s a walk of faith!