Letter to My Ovaries

A Letter to My Ovaries

Dear Ovaries,

I have contemplated writing this letter for several years. It is a letter that is infused with a lot of heartache. I have decided without any further delay that it is time for me to profess my displeasure with our relationship.
I have known you all my life and always thought of you as my friend. Today, I am marking the turning point in my life. I am terminating this friendship. I am marking this friendship VOID. I am no longer asking for your advice or listening to your growing pains or twinges of anticipation.
If you are left wondering why, I will disclose my explanations of this friendship termination. First off, I want to hear your explanation on refusing to menstruate normally. Why do you allow us to bleed for months upon months without any breaks? Secondly, I want to understand your reasoning for withholding our ability to ovulate. Last but certainly not least, I need an answer for your overall uncooperative behavior.
We are supposed to be a well-oiled working machine. I have always counted on our friendship to pull us through the rough spots in life. Since, we were younger we always envisioned getting older, married, and then having children of our own. You have pulled out of this relationship long before I did and left me standing here with empty arms. I am left confused and hurt. Are you breaking another promise with me?
I have learned that no matter what I’ve been through, you’ve refused to obey any commands or suggestions. Without any further delay I am going to press on without you. I am going to bring in my NEW best friends; Clomid, FSH, Provera, HCG, LH, and others to be named later. I will now be consulting the doctor about the promises in which you have broken. I’m now wishing there was a service parts station, so that you could be replaced with working ovaries. I wish you the best of luck wasting away. As for me, I’m no longer going to be left in the back seat. Today is a new day, a time for me to start chasing my dreams of one day holding my own miracle.

Sincerely,
Rachel Christine C.

Insensitive Remarks

I wanted to write about some common everyday insensitive things that I’ve heard throughout my infertility journey. Some of these comments have come from family and friends, while others have come from friends telling me about the comments they’ve received during their infertility journeys. It really doesn’t matter where or who the comments come from, they are all painful just the same.

1. Just RELAX and before you know it, you’ll be pregnant.
a. Well, I’ve been battling with infertility for almost three years (in August). I’ve tried every relaxing method that anyone suggested or recommended and I’m still not pregnant. Thanks for all the advice here, but it’s not the answer.

2. Take a Vacation and before you know it, you’ll be pregnant.
a. I think this suggest just goes to show how little everyone seems to understand about infertility. Patients undergoing infertility treatments rarely can take too much time away from their doctors and clinics, but thanks for the advice anyways.

3. Adopt and before you know it, you’ll be pregnant.
a. Wonderful! Now I have a hard time understanding why people believe that adopting a child has anything to do with conceiving. This advice can be extremely painful to the couples that feel the desire in their own hearts to have a baby of their own, which is why this can be a hard topic to discuss.

4. Maybe God doesn’t mean for you to have children.
a. First of all, I don’t know why people would say that God would intentionally take away the desire of women to have children, when the bible clearly states His desire for us to multiply.

5. Maybe God is punishing you for past sins committed.
a. God is NOT in the business of punishing his own people. Yes, I’ve felt guilt and remorse over not being able to have children. I have believed that my infertility was a punishment from God, but after reading about Hannah’s barrenness I’ve come to the conclusion that God loves his people and doesn’t bring forth pain among them.

Dear Family and Friends

February 21, 2008
Dear __________________,

It has been a very big pleasure to have the opportunity over the last year to get to know each of you more. It has always been something Lance and I pride ourselves in spending time visiting with family and friends that we don’t have the opportunity to see regularly. I have really enjoyed this past year and will continue to look forward to the upcoming years spending time with all of you.
This past summer Lance and I have been extremely grateful for moving into such a wonderful and supportive community. It has been nice to live near family and make new lasting friendships with people in the community. We feel that we have been truly blessed in that respect.
This fall I was diagnosed with a medical condition that has put our future on hold. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which means that I have cysts on my ovaries. The cysts on my ovaries are very similar to the cysts that cows or pigs can develop, but also more complicated to treat. Lance and I feel that God is pushing us to build a lasting future together and also prepare the way for a growing family. Unfortunately, it is going to be a more difficult road for building a family than we originally anticipated. Yes, we would love to have children and as of recently are going through infertility treatments.
These treatments come in the form of fertility pills, daily injections, or more complicated procedures. This cycle I will be taking my third round of fertility pills, which so far have been unsuccessful. If this round doesn’t work for us, we will be considering the option of fertility injections. Lance and I will continue to pray daily for our miracle. We ask for your continued support and encouragement from all of you. It has been an extremely stressful and painful time for us, for which we find the strength in the Lord.
I encourage you all to ask any necessary questions that you might be having, but refrain from consulting others about our sensitive issue. Many comments and advice that may seem harmless can be very damaging to the pain that we are currently enduring. We are continually grateful for your love and support, but ask that you also respect our needs for privacy. We love you all!

Love and Hugs,
Lance and Rachel Christianson

The Start of Round Three

I started taking my Provera pills on Saturday night, in hopes of eliminating the side effects of moodiness and terrible headaches. I am pretty sure I haven't escaped either one today. Tonight, will be my fourth pill and I'm waiting excitiedly for my cycle to begin.

Has anyone ever been excited for a period?

Well, my last pill will be on Monday...yeah!

I'm thinking about taking Soy with my cycle of Clomid. Has anyone ever tried that before? I'm willing to try just about anything in hopes of my miracle. It's a long road with plenty of bends and curves, but I am praying that it's worth every day of infertility. I want to desperatly be holding my own bundle of joy. Will it ever happen for me? Will I ever hold my own baby? Will I ever rock my own baby to sleep?

Baby or No Baby...

When I first found out about infertility, it happened when I least expected it to. I wasn't very aware of a situation that would leave women with the burning desire for children, but unable to concieve them on their own. I was naive. I lacked the understanding of what infertility really meant to thousands couples around the world. I created this blog to help others comprehend the emotional and physical impact of infertilty.
My infertility journey actually begins the day I threw my BCP's out the window for good. I'm not a person that supports the use of BCP's for fun or sport, but for medical reasons only. I think it's very unnatural for the body to "pretend" it's pregnant for months upon months and years upon years. My BCP's were strickly for medical purposes and I never attended to be consumed by them. I wanted to settle down and have many children with the love of my life, just like many women plan on. It was March 26th, 2006...the beginning of thee end...
I waited and waited for AF to come knocking on my door, but she never came. I went fourteen months without a visit from AF. Every month I prayed for either a positive POAS result or a rush to the store for pads and tampons. She finally graced me with her presence in May of 2007. I was in complete denial of any female problems that I was contributing to. I wanted to be happy and healthy and pregnant...but I wasn't any.
Finally, in October of 2007, I decided enough was enough. I took all my questions and concerns to the small clinic in Morris, MN. I was seen by a nurse/midwife and she suggested that I see a specialist. I charted my BBT the whole rest of October and the whole month of November in hopes of detecting ovualtion. She believed that I had ovarian cysts, which was making it impossible to ovulate let alone cycle on my own.
In November of 2007, I was able to see a OBGYN specialist in Alexandria, MN. She is such a sweet doctor, which helped elevate my fears. She diagnosed me with PCOS, which explains my infertility. I had cysts that were covering my ovaries like a pearl necklace. I am still charting my daily BBT in hopes of detecting ovulation, but so far...nothing.
I have been prescribed Clomid. The first cycle of 50mg gave me intense hot flashes, headaches, mood swings, and ovarian pain. I was miserable, but so desperate for my own bundle of joy, I pressed onward towards a second round. The first round was a BUST! The second round of 100mg, gave me the same side effects as the first round. It again was a disheartening BUST! Now, I'm in the midst of my third round of 150mg of Clomid. My OB informed me that 150mg is the higest dosage she will allow. If this cycle is another bust, then it will be on to a Combo protocol. The protocol will include 150mg of Clomid and also FSH injectable hormone. I'm hoping that 150mg will make me ovulate. If I ovulate on 150mg of Clomid, then I will be able to do two more rounds without going to injectables.
My journey is far from over. I am learning the struggles, the pain, and the fear of infertility and it's treatments. There is no promise of a baby at the end of the journey. Only a promise of love and support from my heavenly father.

Introduction to Infertility

www.tearsandhope.com

This website leads to a remarkably well-done video of the trials and tribulations of women and men facing infertility. I am inviting everyone that crosses this Blog to check out the video. It is a video that brings tears to my eyes and probably the eyes of many that have already viewed it. The video is very portrays the right about of factual information with the right about of emotional substance, which much all be taken into consideration for those beginning, ending, or passing through infertility. It also clearly defines the lack of support within this culture that must be changed. Please feel free to hug those that know of couples, friends, or relatives going through infertility; support being the best gift you could give them.

Things We Wish You Knew *adapted from the American RESOLVE web site

That it is probably the most devastating thing that we will ever experience

That it ruins our self-esteem That it affects our relationships with everyone that we know
That it interferes with our day to day functioning
That the medications make us moody and emotional and cause us to gain weight
That it makes us feel violated
That it is very expensive to go through treatment and to adopt
That it is emotionally draining
That it changes our lives forever-we will never again be the same people that we once were
That people experiencing infertility have depression rates that are equal to those experiencing cancer
That it is a life-altering experience That it makes us question everything we ever believed in
That these are medical issues, not lifestyle issues. Talk to us as you would someone who has heart disease, diabetes, or any other medical condition. Be a sounding board for the tests, results, side effects, etc of the treatments. NEVER suggest relaxing or having sex more often-
Realize that a pregnancy that results from infertility is not the same as others. Infertile couples may have a hard time easing up and enjoying their pregnancy. After being used to receiving disappointment, pregnancy is not yet the end of the road...
Even though your intentions are good, you will probably say something that is offensive to us because this is such a sensitive subject
No matter how close the friendship, it will be hard to completely connect with fertile friendsThere is always something there that others cannot understand, even when you do try so hard to empathize
Infertility affects all aspects of your life and the pain is inescapable You are confronted with it at work, at the mall, walking down your street, on television, with family and friends when they don't even know it Kids are life's common denominator. When you can't participate in these conversations (and they are everywhere) you just don't fit in anywhere-
Baby showers are one of the most painful events that we can be asked to attend
In this day and age people need to be more cognitive that some people may want kids and are having trouble and some people may not want children for certain reasons. It is not up to family/friends to provide a running commentary on the issue. You never know the situation of the person you are talking to (some people are not open about their infertility treatments) so it's better to err on the side of caution and not make a lot of pregnancy comments/questions
To remember that if I am acting mad at times, I am not mad at you, I am mad at my lifeThat I will talk about things that are happening with my treatment when I am ready
It's hard to know what I will be doing next. If there were a script, it would be easier to predict the future, but everyone is different.
That unless you have done what I've done and been through what I have been through, you can't possibly know how I feel and can't possibly know what to tell me to do about the pain and frustration that infertility brings
That I will be okay again, but I don't know when So when I seem okay, just accept that as a good thing for the moment, and don't press me, because I don't know how long the feeling okay again thing will last.
Going through infertility is like being on a roller coaster-there are constant ups and downs and surprising drops. We never know what is around the next curve and work very hard to just stay fastened in our seats.
Infertility is a journey that will take us to many places we never thought of or knew about and it will shape us into new people (some of our newness will be good and some will not be) and change how we look at and deal with everything in our lives Once you've been on this journey you are never the same again.
That the sadness that accompanies infertility sometimes comes unexpectedly and at the most awkward moments I wish I could plan my depression! But unfortunately, it just doesn't work out like that Of course, these moments come when I'm surrounded by other people-- watching TV with a group and you see a commercial with a couple holding a baby-- totally unrelated to parenting, pregnancy or whatever, but it's just the image that is devastating.
For me (as I'm sure it is for a lot of people experiencing infertility) the greatest fear is that I will never have a child Each failed treatment cycle, especially as your treatment gets more high-tech, makes this fear even larger. If we could just somehow know that we would have a child, a lot of the stress would be alleviated.
I wish family and friends could understand why holidays, baby showers, and just hearing about or being around other people's children and pregnant woman, can be so hard sometimes.
That medical treatments are very painful, emotionally and physically.That infertility is a degrading experience-we often feel like failures, like our bodies are not our own, like everyone in the world has touched us, and most especially that the most private part of our lives (our physical relationship with our spouse) has been completely invaded.

(I wrote these next two paragraphs)

Please don't mention adoption unless we do. For many it is considered defeat and we want to give ourselves the best chance to have a child on our own. Adoption is a personal decision and may not be for everyone. Please don't talk about stories of other peoples struggles in fertility. It may take us a long time to have a baby and knowing that other couples have waited mulitiple years to have a baby may seem encouraging; when you are looking at a possible mulitple year stretch it is purely discouraging.
That infertility treatment is very clinical and definitely is not "fun" That treatment cycles move very slowly, so try to be patient That we are at the mercy of the medical world. That grief is a VERY important part of the healing process for us- please let us be sad when we need to be We have to mourn our losses.