Stepping Away...

Lance and I have debated for several months trying to decide between more aggressive treatments or a break. We both decided to step away from trying to conceive and embrace our relationship with one another. We've sacrificed so much of who we are and our financial stability to continue a rocky road of heartache and pain. On this break we will be able to rekindle the romance and passion in our married lives, which has been lacking. Our energy that was once used solely for trying to conceive will now be used for renewing our love.

In the Fall (after Harvest), we will once again try fertility treatments. We are going to start injectables, which is both scarey and exciting. The doctor recommended a more aggressive treatment plan before we fully give up our dreams...

In the meantime, I've started taking a new medication called Metformin. We will see where that leads us...if anywhere...

My Own Thoughts...

I have never ovulated in the three years that I’ve been married. In May, I had a beautiful temperature rise that indicated I ovulated. I was both shocked and realized to learn that my body was actually functioning normally. I waited with hopeful anticipation of the dreaded two week waiting period. I couldn’t resist the whole two weeks and therefore tested on 10dpo, which equaled a BFN. I also tested on 13dpo that ended the same. I was crushed and so disappointed in myself. I must remember that the Lord truly has a bigger and better plan than anything I can imagine. I should be rejoicing that I was able to ovulate and have a period on my own for the first time in over five years.

I just came to the realization that June marks the sixth month/cycle that I’ve been taking fertility treatments. I never imagined that trying to conceive would be such a long and dusty road. As sad as it is to admit, it’s hard to hear about my cousins and friends getting pregnant and having children. It’s even harder when you have to witness all their joys and changes and then look at myself and realize everything…changes. I just never imagined myself getting married and then fighting with my body to have the ONE thing that I desire above anything else…a baby.

I keep catching myself idolizing getting pregnant, having a baby, and raising a toddler. Maybe I should be focusing more of my energy towards reading my bible and studying the word. Maybe my life needs to be refocused and redirected…

I can't not believe my luck! I have a huge temperature spike. Praise the Lord! Fertility Friend has moved my ovulation date forward one day, which shouldn't be a big problem.

It's 8DPO! WOOHOO!!! I went to K-Mart today and bought enough PT tests to satisfy myself for the time being. I'm too nervous and scared to even think about testing. I'm afraid of a BFN! I haven't been able to stop praying since my temp. jump. PTL!

Will I be able to go on IF I get a dreaded BFN? Will I be able to carry my head upon my shoulders, held high? Will I stumble and fall? Will I lose my Faith and struggle?

Oh, Heavenly Father, remember me. Remember your servent, Rachel. Surround me with your healing wings of glory. Wipe away my tears of pain. Give me your strength and love to help carry me on. Help me to believe in your miracles. Help me to know of your love and kindness. Reach your healing hands upon my womb and fill it with your glory. Help an egg implant into a womb that is healthy and warm. Make me fertile. Let me carry a child of your kingdom. Let me show this child of your love and forgiveness...know that THIS is the desire of my heart.
In your name I pray. Amen.

Conversations of The Mind

Wow! Has it really been a month since my last blog? I have neglected my blog! Just admitting to my lack of effort and time has me feeling resentful and sad. I am not regretting having started a personal blog, but it does take more effort than I sometimes realize.

So, I should really catch my readers up to speed on my recent progress…or lack thereof. Do I even have any readers? If I don’t then I’ll just note my treatments as a way of recording.

Treatments:

a. Clomid 50mg--Bust!

b. Clomid 100mg--Bust!

c. Clomid 150mg--Bust!

d. Femara 2.5mg--Bust!

e. Femara 5mg--O'd CD17--???

I'm in a current state of waiting. I am trying to direct my mind in any area or idea that will draw myself away from dwelling. I am no longer in the mood to dwell and wish upon stars. Striving to be focused on a higher power, a bigger being than myself, a God. Lord, I need the mountains to be moved in my womb. I need and depend on the Faith that will get me through the rain showers in my heart. Heal me Heavenly Father! You know the desires of my heart...the aching of my soul...my needs...

I am ridding myself of soda, cookies, candy, sugars, cakes, oh how the list goes on...I know that controlling my food intake isn't going to change alot, but I need just the focus on something that I can control. It's hard on a person to contantly be in a state of uncontrol.

I thought about this last night...getting rid of every posession I owned just to be able to hold my own baby for a minute. I can just imagine the joy I'd be feeling. My heart would swell with love and pride. Oh, how glorious it would be to know the outcome of the future. Lord, hold me, for I am weary and tried. I've walked down this path to the point of stumbling every third step. Infertility is a difficult and rocky road. When will it be over?

A Special Note...

Dear Pastor _____,

Many blessed greetings from an unknown patron that regularly visits your church. I don’t have a regular church home, but have always felt welcomed and loved within the walls of your church. My husband and I have recently moved into the Morris area, which we have grown to love. Morris’ people make up such a caring and devoted community that reflects brightly upon the church.
The weather is finally going to expel spring from the dark and barren ground. Spring is always my favorite season. It’s filled with new hope and beauty. Spring is a season of newborns; especially, calves, foals, kittens, and bunnies. God has made such a spectacular array of beauty, which is often hard to ignore.
With spring quickly approaching, the celebration of mothers comes to mind. Mother’s Day is a joyful celebration of love, devolution, and thanksgiving. I have always enjoyed honoring my mother on her special day of remembrance. The church services commemorating Mother’s Day has always been a joyous occasion for me.
This particular Mother’s Day is going to be very vivid within my mind. This year I learned after struggling for fifteen months to conceive (still struggling), I was diagnosed with infertility. I have debated back and forth in my mind whether to write this letter, but believe deeply of its importance to the church community. You’re probably wondering what infertility has to do with Mother’s Day, which is exactly what I wanted to implore.
For two years, my husband and I have struggled to develop our family. When we learned of the devastating news of my infertility, we began our intimate grieving process. We grieved of the loss of our unborn children that we may never have. This news was especially difficult for a-want-to-be-mother. There are no words in the world to adequately describe the pain I’ve grown to endure. We’ve gone through countless testing procedures, infertility treatment protocols, and visits to the doctor without any avail. Our future family is in God’s loving hands. His promise of a perfect and divine plan for our family is what we hold on to.
This is probably the most difficult letter that I’ve ever written. I know there are other families or individuals out there that are mourning the loss of a dream. There might be families inside your church community that are struggling with hope for a future family, the faith and trust in God’s ultimate plan. I’ve been there and I know the hardships that go along with infertility.
Mother’s Day is an especially difficult holiday to celebrate. What do these families have to celebrate? It’s an extremely painful holiday that reminds them of something they aren’t…mothers.
I’ve written this letter to be informative tool to help you and your church to understand the broken heartedness that develops; especially on Mother’s Day. Please, pray for the unknown families in your church community that might be struggling with infertility. Lift them up in your Mother’s Day service and let them know God’s love for them. I thank you and appreciate the time you’ve taken away from your ministry to read this letter.

Thank You!

A Letter to the Lord

Why are you leaving me in the dust?

I see so many people either trying or not trying to conceive and easily becoming pregnant. I’m here sitting and waiting.

Am I being left out because I won’t make a good mother?
Am I being left out because I’m not faithful enough?
Am I being left out because I’m not strong enough?

Why have you closed my womb and called me barren?

I feel so lost and lonely…so forsaken. The strength to move mountains is the power I need to lay my burdens at your feet, Lord. I am seeking your strength to overcome my feelings of inadequacy, which has been a constant struggle. Guide me to learn how to lay my burdens down. Help me to understand things I can’t see or grasp.

I know I’m not a perfect person. I know that I was born a sinner and will die a sinner. I DO know that you sent your only begotten son; whom you loved more than anything, to die for my sins. Everyday I continue to make mistakes and disobey your commands. There are days that I want to be left alone and sulk for my own losses and struggles.
Lord, you are so loving and you don’t want me to be in pain. Heavenly Father, you continue to wipe away my tears of pain. Lord, carry me, for I am weary and lost.

I don’t know what your divine plan for my life is, but I DO know that you’ll always be with me. You will always be there to hold me as I weep and carry me when I stumble. Lord, help me to understand your will for my life. Help me except the outcomes of your divine plan. Show me how to pick of the broken pieces of my life and start anew.

I need to learn to lean not on my own understanding and will, but YOURS. I need to redirect my focus on my wants and needs to the Lord. I don’t want to consume my whole mind, body, and spirit into having a baby. I can’t look at my desires selfishly and make any false idols. I must be patient and wait for your divine timing. There are days when I believe falsely that your plans MUST match my own. Today, I feel guilty for getting caught daydreaming about the day when my desires come to be; for it is not my desires that fulfill me, but YOURS. I need to remember that your plan for my life will be better and more amazing than anything I could possibly imagine. I am beginning to learn to trust you; Lord, by putting my faith in things unseen.

Wrap me in your loving embrace, Lord. Help me to understand and except the decisions that match your own will for my life. Teach me to except the things I don’t understand. Help me to regain strength and rebuild my life. Give me a firm fountain out of your love, support, and guidance. Help me to except your will. Teach me to not question my faith and your will.

Keep me from drifting into an unknown state of grief and sadness. Wipe away my tears. Teach me the praises to sing to you, Lord. Help me to love you more than myself.

AMEN!

March--A Month of Sadness

It’s been a difficult five months for me to say the very least. The end of March marks my two year anniversary of actively trying to conceive. Every day is a constant struggle for me. I wake up every morning feeling lonely and scared, knowing that two years have come and gone. I still walk around with empty arms. Not knowing if I’ll ever have my own baby is the most difficult thing to weigh on my mind. Lance (my husband) often catches me with a blank look on my face; knowing what I’ve been dreaming about. Today, I have decided that it was long overdue to write on my blog. I am not inspired and I don’t feel any new hope…right now. Tears streak my cheeks, because I know the pain is real. Dealing with the pain is not an easy road, but I’m learning.

There are days when my pain doesn’t haunt me and I begin to feel “normal” again; unfortunately, the feelings of normalcy fade quickly. People like to talk about their babies, pregnancies, or toddlers. I sit quietly thinking about my turn. Will I ever have one? It hurts to know about other’s pregnancies or babies, because I’m longing for that very joy. I’m unable to be actively happy for other’s babies, pregnancies, toddlers, teenagers, whatever…It might sound so insensitive of me, but how would you like to walk two years in my footsteps? I’m about one hundred and ten percent positive you’d be heart broken too.

I’ve been on the edge of reason this Month. I found out that my first fertility treatment did nothing for my body. This month I’ve decided to try a drug usually only given to Cancer patients. My doctor and I are trying a drug that is not FDA approved for infertility, but I wasn’t quite ready to move on to injectables. I’m more than my share of nerves about this treatment option. It’s a walk of faith!